By Jim Zub March 27, 2012

(an excerpt from Animal Armies: History and Cook Book)

United Quackdom Prime Minister Herbert Albatross’ speech to the UQ parliament on August 6, ’14:

With the utmost reluctance and with infinite regret, this herbivore & omnivore conglomerate have been compelled to pull this country and her allies into a state of war against fellow members of the Animal Kingdom.

Everyone knows of our difficulties with the meat eaters abroad but up until now peace has been maintained. We have attempted neutrality but cannot, and will not, ignore the aggression taken against our fellow peaceful animals. The Axes have lashed out aggressively and, though our nature may be passive as vegetable-eaters, we must not allow that docility to be our final undoing.

The Axes powers have left the bargaining table. They’ve mobilized for battle and they’ve struck our borders with intent to cause unrest.

If we dally any further, if we passively wait for their tooth and claw to reach ever closer to our throats, then we shall betray the interests of this fine country, of which we are trustees. The promise we make to our citizens is to govern and protect. We cannot shirk those duties, no matter the cost.

We made sincere and earnest peaceful overtures to the Axes. We proposed all manners of alternate pathways to take, pathways which could steer us clear of war. Even while doing so, we held to our belief that all animals could live in peace and harmony, feeding upon plants instead of each other. Let none doubt, however. We made every effort any Government could possibly make for peace.

But this war has been forced upon us. Everyone knows, and no one knows better than the Government, the terrible, incalculable, economic, social, personal and political ramifications of entering into this conflict, but we must not back down. We step forward with a sense of responsibility regardless of how heavy our hearts are in this hour.

Some may ask why we are fighting. They may wonder what our principles are. Let me make this perfectly apparent so that our goal is concrete and our vision is clear in the coming days.

We are fighting against the flawed principle that meat eaters must feed upon our kind, that we are passive and weak, to be hunted and exploited for our tastiness.

We are fighting against the flawed wisdom that ‘might makes right’ and aggression is the sign of superiority.

We are fighting because we must but, having been driven to do so, we fight with all our wings, paws, fins and webbed feet can muster because we are righteous in our cause and true to ourselves.

(great applause)